Dear God,
by JustMine
Summary: Will it never be enough? Inspired by new stills and promos of episode 3x03...


**Author's Note:** This strange story (more like a conversation) idea occurred to me as I was staring hard at the new stills from episode 3x03 – yes, of Maura (she looks absolutely gorgeous, btw) with the motivational speaker. And I had the urge to write about these characters on the sets of the show (keeping them in character as much as possible, and bringing out the angst in them!) and their conversations with 'God'. It's a bit abstract and I hope it comes across in the 'right light'. I have put in a couple of thoughts which are inspired by the above episode still and the recent promos.

**Dear God,**

* * *

_I clutch the sheaf of papers in my right hand as I walk into the set. Dennis Rockmond stands in the middle. The ambiance is set to a lovely evening – festive lights all around – brightening up faces of strangers and friends alike. A food truck stands in the corner of a street fair. A fair – a gathering of stalls and amusements for public entertainment – I smile to myself as I remember the little detail in my head. _I am supposed to smile in this scene.

_It feels like walking into a dazzling glory of emptiness, with a smile etched on my face._ How can you love someone and not be able to be with them? No, I'm not supposed to believe in God but they say God has plans for everybody. Everybody is supposed to do something, be somewhere, hold someone's hands, wipe someone's tears, smile at someone or just sit there and give them company – for a reason. I wonder what my reason is though.

_I stand there delivering my lines, smiling and talking to Dennis._ There's something oddly natural about looking up at him. I realize a moment later that I'm used to looking up at a pair of eyes. It's not quite as dark a brown and as big and expressive, but my smile widens. _We talk about facts, spirituality, similarities and differences. He asks me if I can describe how it feels to fall in love – if I have ever expressed in a non-factual manner what I have felt for someone._

"_It's compelling and somehow liberating at the same time. It isn't rational and you shouldn't seek to explain it. It's strange – it can make you feel lonely in a crowded city but keep you company on an empty bed. It can make you walk up to a total stranger and smile at them unknowingly – because something in them has reminded you of that person you love. It can make you wake up happy but feel empty if you don't have them beside you in a beautiful dream. And it can make you can wake up trembling but find the safety and comfort of a refuge when you are with them after a terrible nightmare."_ Motivation!

I stare as I listen to him. Everything happens for a reason. Or may be after something happens we just coax ourselves into the happy cocoon of a thought that successfully explains the occurrence. May be it just becomes a reason because we choose to move on without forcing ourselves to fight it…

_I stand on the stoop of my house. Dennis looks at me with dreamy eyes. He closes the distance between us and lowers his face to mine. I close my eyes as I rise to stand on my tiptoes, my anticipation cut half-way through by rough lips. On cue, I cup the face that is kissing me. My fingers ghost over the roughness of shaved skin. The mild waft of cologne masks my senses – I feel a warmth under my fingers. My thumbs draw circles on the jawline and slowly move up as the kiss deepens. His hands grip firmly around my hips as he draws me closer. I continue drawing soft circles as my right thumb digs into the dimple on his left cheek._ I shut my eyes tighter to revel in the image that fills my mind.

I feel the smooth olive skin under my fingertips – the touch defined by that one time I had held her jaw to set her broken nose. The pronounced dimples and jawline make me grip the face that is thrust against mine, harder. Wild strands of black hair tickle the back of my fingers and palms. I moan into the kiss as the lips part to envelope mine in something more meaningful…

Is this how I'll go on for the rest of my life? And remain bound to a script and oblivious of my own feelings? _I look back at Dennis as I walk out of the set after the scene ends._ You will never be Jane. _No one ever will._

~ Maura

* * *

I bite my lower lip as I walk away from the camera. If I could decide for myself, I wouldn't give a damn to the person I am supposed to be in love with! _I twist open the door knob and put on my best smile. _Has it ever been worth all this? _"How long have you been back?"_

_Casey sits at the table in the middle of the room. He looks up with a straight face, his eyes find mine. "Hello, Jane…"_

A chill goes down my spine. How many more of these warning signs will I be able to man up to? I look at Casey with hollow eyes. My lips pull together in mock sympathetic concern._ I'm supposed to let this man know that I am happy to meet him and worried at the sudden turn of events. I sit on the chair facing him._

"_How have you been Jane? You look tired."_

I haven't been feeling too good for a while but I feel worse now that you are back! _"Things haven't been quite smooth down here but we are getting back to normal. Thanks for asking. Why didn't you tell me you were coming back? Why did I have to hear it from Ma?_"

Maura told Ma. Is she supposed to be keeping a tab on me? Is she supposed to be this protective and caring of how I feel? Then why isn't she supposed to realize that?

It feels like a light buzz in my head as Casey takes me through his painful anecdote. _He picks up my hands and holds them in his own. _I feel heady as the bile rising in my throat threatens to choke me.I stare at him – my brows drawn together in pain.

I don't know if there is a world out there where my life is not as real as in this one. Where I have been able to pull my hands out of his grip by now, banged hard on the table and told you that no God, this is not who I want to be with. He is not the love of my life – he is not in the future I look forward to. Hell, I don't even know him. And I'll not be madly in love with him just because he was my childhood sweetheart. I have the right to choose and I choose…"

_The door opens as Maura walks in._ I blink away the single tear in the corner of my eye and slacken my jaw. _She looks at me, smiles a half-smile and looks down at the file she is holding._  
_"I am sorry to interrupt. I have completed my autopsy report and I thought you might want to see it as soon as possible. Frost told me you'd be up here but I didn't know that the Sgt Major would be with you." She turns to Casey and smiles. He nods his head._

_I walk up to take the file from Maura's hand._ She doesn't break the gaze. I see the hurt and anger in her eyes. The tear threatens to burst out again.

"_Thanks, Maura" I take the file from her. "I'll see you in a bit."_

"_Cut" shouts God, as we prepare for lunch break._

~ Jane

* * *

**A/N:** ~ From Subtext/Ambiguity, With Love…


End file.
